why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
