So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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