if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
