You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
