I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
