Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
