She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
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Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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