I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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