I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
