She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
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She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
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I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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