I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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