how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
