So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
