apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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