how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
