my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
