She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
it's like iHOP with fire
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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