my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
