dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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