Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
