tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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