The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
