i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
