I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
