If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
