The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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