My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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