The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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