I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
