I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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