She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
where am i from again
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
