I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
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Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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