Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
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