I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
