i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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