does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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