I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
