So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
