I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
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I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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