btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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