From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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