The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
