I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
