I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
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She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
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Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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