On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
