I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
