So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
