dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
