So drunk its hurt
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
