Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
