New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
