She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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