her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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