cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
