Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
