ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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