Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
