I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
it's like heaven, but drunker
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
